Intermezzo

Below an excerpt of a short story I wrote years ago. I'd thought I'd share it with you here. 

The Library

After supper they walked to the library, he and Victoria sat on the sofa nearest to the fire as it was their preferred spot. He looked at the fire as the others approached. Freddie, who was alone sat on the sofa opposite them but they didn't make eye contact. Victoria went on about a frock she bought last week and he smiled politely but he didn't really listen. 'Do you want a brandy?' Victoria asked him. ' Oh yes please, you're an angel' he replied quickly and she returned almost immediately with two large glasses of brandy and a little plate with marzipan chocolates. 

'Oh my favourite!' he exclaimed. 'I thought you'd like them' Victoria giggled. He cheered up a bit and they drank their brandies and he enjoyed the marzipan chocolates whilst asking more about her new wardrobe. What seemed out of the blue, he saw Freddie jump out of his seat, he walked to one of the bookshelves and ran his hand past the books looking for the one he wanted. He pretended not to notice. 

'I do so love this compilation of poems' Freddie told Julia who sat on the sofa next to the bookshelf in an almost cheerful way, he smiled. 'Which one is your favourite Freddie? You must recite it for us'  Julia said. Freddie thought for a moment, I'll recite it when I find it' and he flicked through the pages as he sat down again. By the looks of it Freddie knew what he was looking for and found it almost straight away. When he did, he looked at him with his sad dark eyes and blushed. Freddie moved to the front of his seat 'I found it, I'll read it to you'. They fell quiet and everyone looked at Freddie and waited, some amused, some rather annoyed that they had to stop their conversations. He looked at Freddie, he knew what was coming. Freddie sighed and started reading with a trembling voice at first but it grew stronger as he went on. 

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart)I am never without it(anywhere)

I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear

no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)I want

no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)

With every line his breathing got heavier, he wasn't sure if he felt hot or cold. He tried not to look at Freddie, who for most of the recital had his eyes fixed on him. He felt as if everything around them just fell away, just him and Freddie in the room, in front of the fire, together at last. He looked at the flames who consumed the wood. He looked up, Freddie had just finished the poem. They were all quiet for a while and then finally some clapped and thanked him. Freddie fell back into his seat and looked at the fire just as he did. 'Do you care for another one?' Victoria asked, she startled him. 'Oh I thought you'd never ask!' he said jokingly, he regained himself and looked around the library, Freddie was still looking at him from the corner of his eyes. He pretended not to notice and tried to chat lively with Victoria when she returned with more brandy and chocolates. They had a quiet but lovely rest of the evening in the library. He tried not to listen to Freddie's conversations and was almost relieved when he announced that he was retiring, at which he smiled politely. Him and Victoria joined Julia for a little bit longer, she talked about her trip to France and how delightful Bourgogne had been.  After what felt like a long time he told the girls he was going up too, they bid him goodnight and he slipped out of the library

Once in the corridor he stood there for a while and sighed. He walked up the stairs to the gallery that led to his room and in a flash he caught a glimpse of someone. There he was, Freddie at the other end of the corridor in his navy and burgundy trimmed pyjamas, he just came out of the bathroom with a towel and a toothbrush in his hands. They looked at each other as he opened the door to his bedroom. Freddie smiled at him and he smiled back and disappeared into his room. He closed the door and leant against it, 'I carry your heart with me too dearest' he whispered. He got ready for bed, undid his bowtie and placed it along with his shirt studs on top of the dresser and kicked off his patent pumps. After coming out of the bathroom he slipped into his navy polka dot pyjamas and climbed into bed. He looked at the canopy that hung over his bed, the heavy curtains and the mirror on top of the dresser, he thought for a little while and smiled. He thought, ' the saying is right, The last person of who you think of before you fall asleep is where your heart is' and the person he thought of as he switched off the light and dozed of to sleep was Freddie. 

The Pink Drawing Room

As he walked down the stairs into the main hall after breakfast the next morning the house seemed quiet, no-one was about, apart from the sound of the piano coming from the pink drawing room. He stood and listened for a moment and then slowly moved towards the music. The sun shone through the large windows, the dusty pink silk wall hangings resembled a sunset with the gilded wooden paneling scintillating in the winter sun. There in the corner with his back to the window he sat, playing. It took him a while to notice him standing there near the sofa. Freddie looked up slightly startled but then relaxed when he saw who it was. 'Don't stop on my account' he said with a smile. ' Oh I was just amusing myself whilst the others are out, nothing special really, I didn't see you there' said Freddie softly.  ' I see' he said ' and you were playing Haydn's Piano Sonata's, one of my favourites. Do you mind continuing?' he asked. Freddie looked at him for a while, observed him in his muted green Fairisle jumper, oxblood brogues and burgundy madder neckerchief, something he always wore. He blushed a little and continued playing, a bit slower this time. Note after note he moved closer to the piano, now standing next to it and observing Freddie, who looked up every now and again and smiled rather nervously as he did last night during supper. He saw how his slender hands moved lightly over the keys, his tall an thin frame dressed in mustard yellow corduroy trousers, a rather worn navy cardigan, a light blue finely striped shirt and a burgundy patterned bowtie. He walked around the piano and sat down next to him on the broad faded yellow stool which stood in front of the piano. Freddie played slower as he noticed that his gaze was firmly on him. He stopped playing, his hands resting on the keys, his eyes lowered looking at his trousers. Freddie sighed, 'you have no idea how much I've missed you. You have no idea how often I thought about you over the years'.  Freddie spoke softly and his hands trembled. He then finally looked at him, Freddie's dark sad eyes observed him closely like he used to. His, what Freddie called deliciously pale skin, dark eyes and rather wild hair. But his weren't sad like Freddie's, they had a fire in them which Freddie always admired. He looked back at Freddie smiling gently. ' You're trembling?' he asked Freddie. 'Don't you remember? I'm always a bit nervous when I first see you.' He smiled, 'Yes, I remember you telling me that, years ago, I first noticed when I met you at Kings Cross. I almost forgot about it. The poem you recited in the library yesterday over brandy was tha..' 'That was meant for you, who else but you?' Freddie interrupted.  'So if you always thought about me in those years we haven't seen each other, why did you never write or call? I thought about you too. With every book or song or poem that reminded me of you'. Freddie looked away, and fiddled at the hole on the left elbow of his cardigan. He was breathing heavily and his mouth in his usual slight pout. He placed his hand on Freddie dark short wavy hair, which was neatly combed in a side parting and then placed his hand on his peach coloured pale cheek. Tears rolled down Freddie's cheeks. 'I never spoke to you because I thought you hated me after what happened and I expected you moved on after all those years'. He sighed, he did for a time try to move on, distracted himself with other boys he met but always to be reminded they were not like him. Not like Freddie was. 'I did for a time dislike you for it, but I never hated you, how could I? I suppose I was concerned about you, what went through your head. You vanished for such a long time, you never answered my letters, what was I supposed to do?'  Freddie looked even sadder, his face looked drawn and he looked the other way when he dried his eyes. He then looked back at him with those dark sad eyes and with both hands held his hand and brought it to his lips and kissed it and held it next to his cheek. 'I didn't speak to you because I wasn't ready for it. I was afraid of the love that you gave me, I was afraid of how it made me feel, I never felt like that before, so I thought it would be easier to end it and not reply to your letters and to ignore my feelings for you'. He looked at him with his hand still being held to Freddie's cheek, he was silent for a while. ' Perhaps I asked too much of you at the time? Perhaps I loved you too much, I'm sorry, I didn't know any better' he said. Freddie looked at him and grabbed his other hand and placed them on his lap. ' You couldn't love me better Dearest. I should have loved you better but I was younger then and afraid and I didn't know or love myself'. Freddie looked away again. He sighed,  'but do you love yourself now? have you come to terms with it?' Freddie looked at him and smiled through his tears. 'I do, I think I finally do'. He smiled sadly at Freddie. He looked away and removed his hands from Freddie's lap. 'But do you love yourself enough to love me in return Freddie?' He looked out of the window feeling surprisingly calm after he said it, he looked at the low winter sun and across the grass where in the background  he could make out a some weathered statues just in front of the oak tree. Freddie moved closer to him and placed his hands on his cheeks, holding his face. 'I waited so long for this and when I met you here I couldn't believe my luck. There you were as radiant and beautiful as ever, you haven't changed and I knew this was my chance to tell you'. 'Tell me what?' he asked. Freddie's eyes widened, he sighed and said; 'That I love you, more than anything in the world, I loved you from that first moment I met you at the station and I want you to be at my side, I want you near me and never to lose you again and I was a fool to let you go'. Freddie was quiet after that, he just looked at him with eyes that needed an answer. He looked at Freddie for what felt like a long time. But instead of answering he placed his head on Freddie's shoulder and they embraced each other. He smelt his scent, so familiar, so soft and delicate like flowers, roses even, on a summer evening at dusk. 'You still smell of books and flowers, I never forgot this scent'. Freddie smiled and held him even closer. ' And you of powdered white flowers and soap, like coming home on a cold night, you smell like happy memories' Freddie answered. After a while he looked at Freddie 'you don't know how long I wanted you to tell me that. So long that I wasn't sure that you'd ever say so. I wasn't sure you'd ever tell me that you loved me'. 'I love you, I love you more than anything, I'm just sorry I haven't told you sooner' said Freddie. He laughed, and they looked at each other for a while. They came closer, so close. Their noses touched and then their lips, he gasped and Freddie kissed him, over and over again. He looked up at Freddie, 'I love you too, I almost forgot just how much. But you just reminded me'. Freddie smiled at this remark and covered his face with kisses just like he used to do. They laughed, and embraced each other once more in the winter sun of the pink drawing room.

The next morning he walked down the stairs, all ready to go. Dressed in his tweed overcoat and a pink Shetland jumper, his suitcase already downstairs. There Freddie stood waiting for him in the middle of the large hall. He smiled when he saw him, and walked towards the stairs and he waited on the last step so he would be just as tall as Freddie who was taller than him. He looked at him and held on to his brown wax jacket just like the one he had. 'Hello again, I missed you since breakfast' he said and kissed him. 'Are you ready to go?' Freddie asked. 'Yes, just let me say my goodbyes and then we can go. Is the car ready?' Freddie nodded with a smile and he walked off towards the library. He said goodbye to Julia and thanked her for the lovely weekend. They would meet again back in London for dinner no doubt. They sat in the back of the car which brought them to the station. He looked up at the house as the car drove off and he smiled. 'what are you smiling about?' asked Freddie as he held his hand. He smiled back at him and replied, 'I'm smiling because I'm glad that I came here for the weekend'.